


To Want and To Have

by LittleMissDreamHeart



Category: X-Men: First Class (2011) - Fandom
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Charles Getting Uncomfortable, Erik Has Feelings, Gay Mutant Road Trip, Homophobic Language, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, Period-Typical Homophobia
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-12-09
Updated: 2015-12-09
Packaged: 2018-05-05 18:31:27
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,117
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5386043
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LittleMissDreamHeart/pseuds/LittleMissDreamHeart
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>One night during the recruitment trip Charles makes a move on Erik, only to run away in terror when they get back to the room.</p>
<p>It seems that Charles is broken in a way Erik did not expect, and attempts to pick up some of the pieces.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Rated for language and themes of homophobia</p>
            </blockquote>





	To Want and To Have

**Author's Note:**

> This was a difficult thing to write, as I haven't really written anything with such weighty themes as dealing with homophobia and personal feelings about a person's sexual orientation. In fact I nearly threw this fic out several times.
> 
> However I saw it through in the end and this is the result.

Tonight wasn’t going to end well.

They’d been turned down by another mutant, a woman who could communicate with animals in Utah, and had spent the evening drowning their sorrows. Or rather, Charles was drowning their combined sorrows. They were sitting in the corner of the bar in the hotel they were staying at, and Charles had put away drink after drink during their discussions.

‘Honestly Erik, I’m fine. In fact, I think it’s my round.’ Without waiting for a response Charles got up with barely a wobble and made his way to the bar. Erik tried to not be too obvious as he watched Charles’ legs and very nice behind as the other man walked away. It was getting harder and harder to be content simply with looking.

There was a woman standing at the bar with Charles. She had long black hair and Erik could recall that she had the room next to theirs from when they’d passed in the hallway earlier. She laughed loudly at something Charles had said to her, no doubt about how her eyes or ears were part of some amazing mutation.

Erik downed the rest of his scotch in one go.

It wasn’t just Charles body that kept him so captivated. It was his mind, his wonderful mutation, his kind nature, hopelessly naive though it was, and all the millions of other little things that Erik had been learning day by day since they had met.

Charles eventually stumbled back with two more large scotches. He took his seat, taking a long swig of his drink, and studied Erik for several moments.

‘You were jealous.’

‘What?’

Charles leaned forward across the table until they were almost touching.

‘When I was talking to that woman at the bar you were jealous. Of her.’ He took another sip of his drink.

Erik refused to meet his eyes. ‘I don’t know what you’re talking about.’

Charles laughed. ‘You can’t lie to me, Erik. I hear you.’ He tapped his temple. ‘Up here. I keep hearing you. When I’m driving and you think about my arms. When we’re playing chess and you think about my eyes and my lips. When I go to take a shower and you think about my-’

Erik could barely restrain the anger in his voice as his cheeks flushed red with shame. ‘Well then maybe you should stop listening if you don’t like what you hear.’

‘I didn’t say that I didn’t like it.’

Erik stared.

‘How about you take me up to our room now Erik?’

 

* * *

 

 

They fell onto the bed with a thump, but neither cared. Erik had Charles underneath him, hands pinning the telepath’s loosely above his head. He was kissing and nipping along Charles’ jawline. Charles smelled like the aftershave he always used, and there was a primal part of Erik that thrilled at the thought that he’d have that smell on him in the morning.

‘Hmmmmm, oh yes.’ Charles sighed. ‘Yes, Erik, don’t stop.’

Erik bit down hard at the base of Charles’ neck. Charles moaned, arching his back and rolling his hips against Erik. He was getting hard, Erik could feel it and gave out a low moan of his own against Charles’ throat.

‘Charles.’ Erik shifted and captured those sweet lips again, drowning in the feeling of Charles, the taste of Charles. It was all perfect. ‘Charles. Charles.’

Suddenly he felt Charles stiffen. Erik pulled back slightly.

‘Are you alright?’

Charles’ face was pale. ‘I....no.’ He twisted out of Erik’s arms and got up. He paced back and forth. ‘No, no, I can’t....’

‘Do you feel sick?’

Charles stopped and stared at him, something akin to panic across his features.

‘I can’t stay here. I can’t do this.’

Erik got up, reaching out towards Charles. ‘Charles, what’s wrong? Just sit down and-’

Charles recoiled from Erik’s outstretched hand. ‘Don’t! Don’t touch me! Just leave me alone.’ He wrenched open the door and strode out into the corridor, slamming the door behind him.

Erik sank down onto the bed. He didn’t know what had happened. He wanted to run after Charles, wanted to demand that the telepath tell him what was going on, but he couldn’t will himself to move. Charles had seemed terrified. What had happened? What had he done wrong? What made Charles change his mind after he was so enthusiastic? Erik smoothed his hair back down and rearranged his clothes. Even if Charles didn’t want to see him right now Erik knew he’d be back, Charles valued their mission too highly not to, and then they could hopefully talk it out.

Erik sat against the headboard of one of the twin beds, and waited.

 

The next thing Erik was aware of -he cursed himself for dozing off- there were muffled laughs coming from the other side of the wall behind him; a man and a woman. Clearly the black haired lady had gotten herself some company. There was the sound of something being knocked over, a chair probably, and the woman’s giggle. Then there was a loud man’s laugh that was unmistakeably familiar.

 ‘Oh, Charles.’ The woman’s moaning voice came through the wall easily. Erik could sense the bedsprings moving up and down. Breathing, moaning, the walls were too thin, Erik could hear everything.

‘Mmmm, yes, oh yes,’ Charles’ voice was loud. The springs started to move again, this time with more rhythm.

Erik got up and went into the bathroom, stripping off his clothes as he walked, and got under the shower. The freezing cold water hit him like a slap, but anything was better than listening to the rest of what was going on next door. He wondered if Charles knew that he could hear everything, if he had picked up the woman on purpose for that reason. He must have. The rejection hurt badly enough without having this rubbed into his face.

The pipes creaked dangerously in the walls. Erik took a deep breath, forcing himself to calm down before he brought the whole hotel down around him.

When he tentatively went into the other room some time later all was quiet from the other side of the wall. Erik got under the covers of one of the beds and turned the lights off with a wave of his hand. He knew he wasn’t going to get any sleep.

Tonight had ended worse than he thought possible.

 

* * *

 

 

Charles wasn’t back by the time dawn broke. Erik got himself together, left a short note detailing that he’d be waiting in the car, and left the room.

He was sitting in the car when Charles was finally ready. He didn’t look at the telepath as he got in, just started the car and drove out of the parking lot with a screech as soon as the other man’s seatbelt was in place.

Neither said anything. Erik just stared ahead at the road. They were heading to another town a couple of hours drive away. That meant two hours of this silence.

‘Erik?’

Or not.

Erik didn’t answer.

‘Erik, please, we need to talk about this.’

‘No we don’t.’ He didn’t look at Charles, he couldn’t.

‘Erik.’ Charles voice was desperate, but Erik still wouldn’t look at him.

‘You made your feelings quite clear last night, Charles.’ Erik was fighting to keep his voice even. ‘Both in our room and in the room next door.’

‘You.....you heard that?’

‘Yes.’

 That shut him up.

Erik risked looking at Charles out of the corner of his eye. The other man was a wreck, the complete opposite of his usual put together self. Something clenched painfully in Erik’s chest at the devastated look in Charles’ blue eyes. He wrenched his eyes back to the road, swallowing thickly, reminding himself that Charles had rejected him, that this was Charles’ own doing. It didn’t help much.

They drove in complete silence for the rest of the way.

 

* * *

 

 

The recruitment had, unsurprisingly, not gone well. The man could turn sound into light, but between his content life and the fact that Charles wasn’t his usual charming self, he had politely refused them.

Now they were sitting opposite each other on their beds -stupid CIA not getting them separate rooms- neither looking directly at the other. Charles sighed, pulled a bottle of whisky out of his bag, and took a long swing.

‘Careful Charles,’ Erik muttered dryly, ‘too much of that is how you end up kissing strange men.’

Erik was startled at the sound of the bottle being thrown to the carpeted floor with a thud as Charles stood, spilling whisky.

‘Dammit, Erik, will you stop this?’

‘Why?’ Erik finally looked Charles in the eye and stood. ‘Would you rather we just want back to being really good pals? Act like it never happened? Or maybe you’re planning to have a play around in my head and make sure that I can’t remember, is that it?’

The look on Charles’ face made Erik regret his words instantly, but he couldn’t stop. ‘What I just can’t understand is why, Charles. Why did you act like you wanted me when you obviously don’t? Too drunk to think straight, as it were, and then once you sobered up you ran for the nearest woman? Made sure I heard you just to drive the point home?’

‘No.... that’s not....Erik, please try to understand-’

‘Understand what?’ Erik was almost shouting now.

‘That I was afraid!’ Charles’ sudden yell stopped Erik. He watched as Charles sank back onto the bed and put his face in his hands. There was a sob, broken, painful, and Erik’s resolve crumbled. He knelt down in front of Charles, one knee directly in the puddle of whisky soaked carpet.

He reached a hand out tentatively and placed it on Charles’ shoulder. ‘Afraid of what, Charles? Of-’

‘Not you.’ Charles said quickly, removing his hands from his face. His red rimmed eyes were still beautifully blue. ‘Never of you.’ He gripped onto Erik’s shoulders and took a deep breath. ‘I was afraid of myself. Being like this.....woman AND men? It’s just....wrong. I shouldn’t feel like this. I can’t be like this, but...’

Charles hesitated, seeming to fight with himself before reaching out and lightly, hesitantly, touching Erik’s cheek. ‘I want you. I want you so much. I’ve thought about it every day since that night on the ship. I’ve thought about your lips, how it would feel to kiss you, to be touched by you. I...’ He closed his eyes briefly and swallowed. ‘I thought about what it would be like to be fucked by you. I want to know how it would feel with you inside me, to bring you to your peak and send you over the edge. I want to be the one who got to know what it was like to wake up with you the morning after, to see you like no-one else ever gets to. I want to play chess with you, debate with you, share everything with you. I wanted you to be mine, and me to be yours.’

‘You ran because you felt you shouldn’t want me like that?’

Charles nodded. ‘I ran and the first thing I could think of doing was find the nearest willing female body to try and  distance myself from what I really wanted, to force myself to want just what the world says I should want.’

‘You’re a fool. If you had just looked into my mind-‘

‘How could I take that chance, Erik? After what had happened before, how could I take that risk?’

Erik frowned. ‘What happened before, Charles? What do you mean?’ He brought his hand up to entangle with Charles’, thankful when the other man didn’t pull away. Charles raised his free hand to touch lightly at Erik’s temple.

‘I can show you, if...if you want.’

Erik nodded.

_A study, fireplace, bookshelves. He is a child. A man standing in front of him -Kurt, my stepfather- suddenly slapping him so hard he hits the floor._

_‘Oh don’t tell me you’re going to cry? Servants spoiling you, gonna end up a damn gay.’_

_Over the years feeling so much confusion at how he feels looking at girls, but also boys. Overhearing dozens of different slurs for people who felt attraction to people of the same gender. Reading about people being arrested in police raids for their “indecent behaviour”. It always made his stomach tighten with fear._

_At Oxford in the pub with Raven. He’s talking to an adorable brunette girl, a literature student. She’s sweet and funny. However tonight his charms fail him and she leaves with her friends. Raven laughs at him and says she’s going to head home early. As soon as she leaves a young man, Will, a friend of a friend, comes up next to him._

_‘On your own Charles?’_

_He can feel it, the hot desire and arousal at the front of Will’s mind, imagining Charles underneath him or on his knees, looking up at Will._

_‘For the moment.’_

_Will isn’t gentle, but Charles doesn’t know that. He finally feels free, letting himself give in to this side of him. The pleasure, the thrill, the pain, all of it._

_In the morning Will all but forces him out of bed, but they meet again, then again, but then nothing for a long time, Will always making excuses. When they see each other at a party he approaches Will. The other man reacts with disgust, mocking him for thinking that he’d been doing anything more than using Charles. Then Will is on the verge of telling the entire party just how perverted Charles is. He feels himself reach out and freeze the entire room. He looks into Will’s mind and sees only the twisted way that the other man sees him. He erases all their trysts from Will’s memory, along with the last five minutes, and slinks out of the party before anyone can notice. He goes immediately to bed when he gets home, ignoring Raven’s questions, and cries himself to sleep. In the morning he feels disgusted. He wishes he could claw every sick and wrong thing with himself out. If he’d never given in to that attraction this wouldn’t have happened._

_He wouldn’t let himself do it, never again._

_But then there was Erik._

Erik feels himself come back to the room, staring ahead looking at Charles’ tear streaked face. His own face was wet too, after feeling all of Charles’ shame and self loathing.

Charles’ voice is hoarse. _‘_ We are working for a goal much larger than either of us. If I’d ruined that because of some stupid twisted perversion-’

Suddenly Erik’s hand covered Charles’ mouth, muffling him. ‘Stop! Don’t say that Charles, don’t ever say that.’ He removes his hand to go back to cradling Charles’ face. ‘There’s nothing wrong with you Charles. Feeling this way, finding pleasure in men as well as women, it is who we are, the same as our mutations.’ He stroked a thumb across Charles’ cheek. ‘Anyone who made you feel differently; they’re the wrong ones, they’re the sick ones.’

Charles didn’t say anything, eyes focussing on nothing, with an expression that made Erik want to find every person that had ever hurt the telepath and hurt them. Slowly.

‘Charles, read my mind.’

Eyes blinked back to face him.

‘What?’

‘Read my mind. Let me show you something.’ He placed Charles hand back against his temple and waiting for the feeling of Charles’ mental presence.

_Arms around him, pulling him. Help. Safety._

_‘You are not alone.’_

_Blue eyes that he can’t look away from when they’re pulled onto the ship._

_The smiles on sinfully red lips, the easy trust in every comfortable touch, the confidence in his swagger, all maddening as it is endearing._

_‘What do you know about me?’_

_‘Everything.’_

_Does Charles know that Erik dreamed about him last night, the first good dream Erik’s had in years?_

_But he was a killer, a monster. His hands were made for violence, not love. How could he hold Charles when all he was capable of being was a weapon driven by anger?_

_Yet still there were idle moments where he let himself wonder what it would be like to reach out and pull those lips to his._

_Moments where he can see a future after killing Schmidt, one where he and Charles could....could....._

Charles broke off the mental connection.

‘Does that feel like something wrong, Charles? Something perverted?’ Erik’s gaze never leaves the telepath’s face.

Charles shakes his head, looking downwards.

‘Charles......may I kiss you?’

Charles slowly brought his eyes to meet Erik’s, and after a few seconds that felt like an eternity to both men, Charles nodded.

It wasn’t like their rushed kisses the previous night; this kiss was soft, gentle, and full of the emotions that they now both knew were reciprocated. Charles sank off the bed and into Erik’s embrace, as if he were finally letting go of something and feeling free from its weight. Erik’s hands stroked at Charles’ face and hair, wanting to be tender but not sure how. Charles wrapped his arms around Erik’s waist, trying to bring them as close together as possible.

Neither was a stranger to sex, but every second of this kiss felt new, special, important.

‘I’m sorry,’ Charles said when at last they broke off the kiss.

Erik shushed him. ‘You have nothing to apologise for, Charles. Nothing.’

Charles smirked and placed a kiss on Erik’s cheek.

‘Take me to bed, Erik.’

‘Are you sure?’

‘I........' Charles considered this, then sighed. 'No, no I’m not. I do want to, please don’t think that I don’t, but the sex-’

‘You don’t have to explain yourself.’

‘I just don’t want to fuck this up.’

Instead of saying anything Erik kissed him again, shifting them both onto the bed.

‘Is this okay?’

‘Yes.’ Charles looked bashful suddenly. ‘We could share. The bed, I mean.’

‘I’d like that.’

Undressing is brief and deliberately not erotic, although both men do steal glances at the other. Erik notices the haphazard sprinkle of freckles across both of Charles’ shoulders. Charles, in turn, caught the sight of Erik’s firm and muscled stomach.

They got under the sheets and Erik immediately drew Charles into his arms. Charles pillowed his head on Erik’s shoulder. Try as he might Erik couldn’t help thinking about how good it felt to be holding Charles like this.

‘Are you alright?’

‘I’m not sure, but I think I will be, my friend.’

Erik kissed Charles once more and waved his hands to turn off the lights, both falling into a deep and comfortable sleep.

**Author's Note:**

> This was originally going to end in some attempt at smut, but honestly it just didn't feel right for where Charles especially was mentally after havig that conversation. I think he'd take a while to build up to sex with Erik, thinking too much about his previous sexual partner and that experience, but would eventually relax enough to go for it.
> 
> Thanks for reading, guys, comments are always welcome.


End file.
